Recently I had one of those “bad” days… the ones where I cry a lot, and just need to talk. The ones where everyone knows something’s wrong and those that aren’t sure how to deal with it or what to say just avoid you. The ones where you just want to hide, cry, pray, cry, sleep, cry, rest, cry…did I mention cry? The ones where each time someone asks you a dreaded question, the floodgates are bursting at the seams & barely holding back the rush of emotions behind the gates. Depending on your circumstance the trigger question can change, but it is still painful.
I had heard some news that I didn’t quite know how to swallow because there wasn’t enough information to digest and so it took me a few days for it to sink in… Although I was still in the unknown (where I still remain), it didn’t really hit me until a few days later when I was encountered by “the question” over & over again. In the unknown is not a comforting place to be. Expecially for someone like myself who likes to know & understand things. I am very analytical in the sense that I pick things apart & go quite deep with them even when absolutely unnecessary… So when I am faced with a circumstance that I have limited knowledge on, limited facts, and only have hope – it is quite hard. That is a place that I have to “die to my flesh” daily & choose to live in Christ by faith and Lord knows we are still working on it.
Something very humbling and sobering that I realized during my “bad” day was how many people look up to me & look to me for whatever (I’m not sure)… but I had a friend that said “it was so hard to see someone of such strong faith going through such a hard time”. Wow, what an honor to be seen as someone with “such strong faith” but also humbling because I am no where close to where I need to be…but am trying to grow in that direction. Others were uncomfortable & confused by my sorrow (for those that know me well, then you know I am always joyful & positive and smiling…) so they didn’t know how to cope with my pain or comfort me because they were so used to me being “up”.
One thing that this did remind me of is that as believers in Christ we are not the normal people. We are different. (So when I say believers, I mean followers of Jesus & when I say normal people…I mean the rest of the world that lives like the world & believes whatever they want, just not in Jesus). As believers, I am reminded that we are sometimes the only Jesus that the normal people see. We are being read… like the pages in the Bible; normal, everyday people are testing our faith, watching our actions, and hearing our words and holding us to our proclamation.
So with that reality in mind…I thought, I have to be strong…because they have to see that Jesus is getting me through… but I remind myself that what the normal people of the world and other Christians need to see is not a stained-glass, polished phoney but a true, open, honest follower of Jesus. Someone that has true joy that isn’t forced or fake. Someone that shows that we all have struggles, isn’t afraid to admit when they are weak, but gives all the glory to Jesus as they survive & grow in the challenges & pains of trials that come their/our way. I strive to do these things every day because I know that as an open Christian, I am being critiqued…and that’s ok because it’s an opportunity to share His love & faithfulness in the way that my life is lived & in the ways that they can see something (HIM) working in my life…
Most importantly, I want to live my life in a way that even inspite of my circumstances, no matter what I am facing that I don’t hide who I am or what I am feeling/going through but share it as an open book so that others can see Jesus work in me. So that they can see in spite of my circumstances, and in spite of the occasional rough/”bad” days, my Savior is real & HE is getting me through. So that they can be amazed by my God who comforts me & gives me joy and strength when I should have none…when the normal people of the world would break, they can see me making it through with joy intact and they can know that it is true joy. People know the difference. When others say they don’t know how I am holding on or how I still have my joy, I can point to Jesus and whether they believe in Him or not, they know it’s real to me… and perhaps they will want that joy & wholeness that I feel & have…and one day I can share it with them by leading them to Him so that they can experience a love that they have never known and the wonderful reality that He is real & loves them deeply & desires a relationship with them.
That’s my heart’s desire…to leave a legacy of love & joy that points to Jesus…whether I know the person 10 minutes or 10 years or a lifetime, that when my name comes to their mind that they will think of how joyful I was/am and how in love with my Savior I am and that I gave Him the glory for the hope & joy that is in me… And that perhaps they will come to know Him so that they can remain whole, strong, and comforted even when they are feeling broken while facing life’s battles for they can remain joyful because our joy comes from Him. ♥
Thank you for taking the time to read my Note. Feel free to read my other notes as well. Most of all, please continue to pray for my family as we remain in the “unknown” and also, please pray for all of the military & their families. War is hard on the soldiers serving & it is hard on their families…but we serve an awesome God who comforts us & hears our cries. He is a restorer, comforter, healer, deliverer, shield, defense, shelter, refuge. He supplies all of our needs.