Confession is good for the soul. I’ve heard that somewhere, I’m sure you have too. Running, running is good for your body & mind… But when your mind & heart is heavy…even after a good run – confession will hopefully work.
I find it deeply hard to find that place where I can let go. I’m a mom. I spent years as a single mom, so my son & I are very close… Still, how do you find that right place & time to let go. We ran a 5k today, only the 2nd we’ve done together however I was so stressed by the end. There I said it, I was a stressed out mom by the end (parents never get stressed out parenting, right? Haha!) My stress was mostly from the frustration that set in from trying to motivate him to run when I knew he had it in him but to instead receive back rejection coupled with a slow walk. For whatever reason, my son responds better when I’m tough on him than when I am gentle in my approach. So with the threat of no electronic anything when he got home if he didn’t toughen up and push himself, he started running again. I know my child and I know the difference of when he is spent and when he can keep going but doesn’t want to…today was the latter. So we finished and I felt like a pushy mom instead of a cheer mom and really just wanted some coffee, chocolate, and a banana…and maybe a hot shower…and a nap…and a re-do :).
I dislike days like today big time. Really, really dislike them. Today was supposed to be positive and fun, but instead I pushed him until I was frustrated. Why? Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I back off and let him grow through the difficulty of the experience rather than frustrating him and myself by pushing him instead of letting him go through the moment of having to push himself. If he’s not crazy about the sport like me and doesn’t want to push himself, why do I feel the compulsion to make him keep running when he hits “the wall” if he wants to walk? He was laughing and enjoying himself and seemed to pay no mind by the end however I was still burdened. Part shame of myself that I got frustrated over a simple race and part feeling disappointed that he wouldn’t give his all. Then shame again for thinking such a thing. Rough start to an overall good day. I am praying that I become more open to what God is trying to show me here so that I do not keep repeating the same thing. I’m certain there’s something to be learned here, so I pray that my mind & heart are open to hear it and act on it…
This all brings me back to the title – Letting go. Something that is so freeing yet so scary. Letting go. How does one let go? In the context of my dilemma, how does one let go and trust that their child will be ok at a race? I’ve spent my life protecting and raising this little child who is not so little anymore….so how do I let go and give him the space he needs to learn to push through when things are hard (& when mom isn’t cheering or pushing from beside or behind)? How do I let go and trust that he’s safe and going to be ok and will either meet me at the finish or be waiting on me to cross? How do I trust that God will keep him safe when I’m at a very well put together race that I know the path is clear & protected? And how do I trust that he will not push himself too hard to where he might need a medic? I know I probably sound overboard to some… But this is a big deal for me… So that’s where I am…. I remain in the “how” phase and so begins my prayer as I seek guidance in this simple, yet big step in parenting… Lord help me 🙂
Love in Christ,