Why me?

I’m a mess on a good day. My mind has thoughts that I’m not proud of. My past has skeletons I would rather forget existed. I tend to be impatient with rude people rather than forgiving and have to make a conscious effort to not let it show. I scan Facebook when I could be reading my Bible. I don’t spend near enough time seeking God in the quiet, when it’s just Him and I. All this said, what is crazy is that God loves me totally, completely as I am. As…I…am.

He wants more though. Yes, He loves me as I am, but He isn’t satisfied with the little I give, He wants all. And I want Him to have all of me. But the question begs – why me? What am I?

Why was I selected to go on a missions trip around the world to meet some absolutely amazing people and to have the honor to help lead them in worship, serve some through love and laughter, to build relationships there…why me? What do I have to offer? I feel like even if I spent hours and hours in the word and prayer daily, I still would be totally unworthy. Because my worth is filthy rags, outside of Him.

I’m not certain of what my purpose was there in Albania fully and I may never totally know what God used me to do in those 10 short days but that is ok, because I know God called me. He equipped me and helped me. I know of things He used me in and I’m deeply gratefulI, but I don’t think that was all, and that is totally humbling. Currently I am in a place of unrest because I know there is more. I know my relationship with that country didn’t consist of that mission trip alone, there’s more. So, I’m entering into a place of seeking Him to determine what that is. But as I seek Him for that, I’m also in a place where I want more of Him. I’m not satisfied with “me” and to be the me He desires, I need more of Him.

Today the pastor taught on conversations with God. We spent time in Psalms 139 – I have always loved that scripture. In my broken moments, He restores me by reminding me in His Word that He loves me and is crazy about me and has purpose for me. As David prayed, I also want God to search me, to know me, to change me…to lead me. I’m thankful for the message today because it helped me to see that my current dissatisfaction with myself is a good thing because I don’t want to be satisfied but instead I want to feel driven to pursue a deeper relationship with God.

Remaining the same as a Christian should never be an option. We should remain in a constant state of change. We should also remain in a place of seeking. It is impossible for us to reach perfection because of our imperfect nature and therefore we have clearly not “arrived” so we must acknowledge our need of a constant pursuit of worship & relationship with our Creator – the lover of our souls. That pursuit should be unending. The only constant should be change – change that draws us closer & deeper with Him.

Thanks for sharing my thoughts…however random they may be ☺. May you also find yourself in a place of desiring more of Him & of dissatisfaction with yourself that drives your pursuit of Him.

Love in Christ,

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