I have lost my mind.
I am nearly 33 years old and am back in school, for the 4th time! And for some reason I don’t do things the easy way either. I mean, who works full-time, has a family, attempts to remain involved in activities AND decides to do grad school full-time – who does that? Crazy people.
But this is my crazy, and I am “all in” for it. I am confident I am exactly where I need to be and that God is with me and guiding me. I do not know the future but I do know that I am supposed to be pursuing this degree and now. He has given me the opportunity to obtain this degree with little costs to me – it’s practically free. Right when I said I didn’t think I would ever go back to school and pursue anything higher in my education, God had other plans. I don’t know why, but that doesn’t matter.
11 years ago I didn’t know why either. I was destined to be a college drop out struggling to rebuild her life on her own as a single mom determined to not be enslaved to poverty – feeling as though I was enslaved to my circumstances and swimming in a pool of tar. I was determined to work myself and my sweet infant son out of the trailer park and into a home. My goal was to work hard enough that I could restore and improve my devastated financial situation as a very young, single, divorced parent. A frightened, scared, broken, confused, self-loathing 22 year old woman who had no idea where I was going, just determined to not go backward.
Thank God I had him. I do not know what I would have done if I hadn’t had the hope he provides. The peace he instills. The restoration he pours out into the depths. Like a sculptor chipping away at stone, preparing his artwork, God chipped away at my broken and torn soul and self-image. He broke off the places that need to be removed and he polished and restored the places that felt beyond reproach. In my deepest sorrows and my loneliest days he covered me with his love. I spent hours in the Word. Hours. When I was angry I would read and pray. When I was scared I would read and pray. Sad – the same. I would yell out to him and at him and every single time I have no doubt in my mind he was there and he was listening. Like the kind, gently loving father that he is.
It was he that told me to go back to school. I know it without any doubt that it was by his calling that I pursued my associate’s degree. I knew in my heart then that I wasn’t finished and so I pursued my bachelor’s degree. I began in 2003 and in 2009 I finished the 2 degrees. Most of that time I was a single parent and I look back in amazement at all God did for me and brought me through. How I made it through all of the struggles and pain and changes is beyond me that I could go through all that and still stick to the goal that he set before me. I know it was by his grace. And well, here I am again – 11 years after the first time I went back to college – I find myself in pursuit of yet another degree. This one is tiring and challenging too but I am reminded of all that he’s done and I am refreshed and renewed because whatever he desires – when we seek him and we honor him – and pursue what he has laid on our hearts (even when we think we are crazy) – he still gets the honor.
Still trying to figure out how he is honored in my craziness – but, that’s only one of the many things that I don’t really get about him. I suppose it is called faith for a reason, eh?
What crazy thing do you have in your mind or heart that you are called to do? What are you waiting for?
I pray that you find the boldness you need to be crazy for Jesus, no matter what the thing is that you are called to do.