I’m home from a time of worship with several other worship leaders from around our city and my heart is so encouraged and challenged. I’m caught in the middle of gratitude for an amazing opportunity to spend time in prayer and worship and feeling completely inadequate. So I ask myself, where does the inadequacy stem from? I want God to be glorified in my life. I want so badly to not screw up so much that He can’t use what I offer. I overthink, overcommit, overextend and yet I am constantly reminded by Him that He just wants me.
I believe and know that the words I read in the Bible to be true. That He longs for a relationship with me. He’s not satisfied with a mediocre pursuit either. He wants my whole heart, all of it.
Still, I wrestle with the question of why? What do I have to offer? Why would the God who created the universe want anything to do with me? I’m a hot mess – on a good day. I’m not some squeaky clean girl who was raised in church and kept in the building every time the doors were open. I have not forgotten the mess and muck that plagues my past. I’m thankful for it, it has made me who I am today. The bitter has allowed me to judge the sweet. I can taste and see that the Lord is good because I have feasted on the bitterness of a broken way.
But that broken, bitter-sweet way is also what floods my mind when I enter into a time of worship. I’m a worship leader at my church. This means that I (the most unlikely of people) have the unbelievable opportunity to help lead others into His presence and it makes my heart come alive. I love worship. It moves me! Alone in my house or in a small gathering “living room” style or corporately at church – I adore spending time singing to Him. To spend time singing declarations to the One who has redeemed my life out of the pits is medicine to my soul. I pray under my breath when I have this opportunity that He clear my mind and allow me to speak the words with truth. That they won’t simply be lyrics. It’s not just a song. That I grab hold of and immerse myself in reality of His omnipresence. That I allow the reminder of my brokenness to toss me into a moment of gratitude for this scandalous grace that I’ve been given. I pursue this level of intimacy with Him because as a worship leader, I cannot lead our congregation where I myself have not yet gone (great words from my dear friend Sandy.)
Sometimes I lose myself so much in our time of worship that I probably look like a fool. However I push beyond the fear of looking foolish and cling to the presence of my Healer. I pour out songs of love to Him because that is what I was created to do. I bring my offering as though it is He and I alone at that moment because, as my dear sweet friend Sandy once said to me – no one else can give Him my worship. Just like you were created to worship Him with a worship only you can offer – I too bring Him my offering.
Can I nudge you to also pursue Him as though He’s in the room. Sing to Him as though you were laying your physical eyes on Him. What power such a pursuit brings to the worship experience. If we could only glimpse His majesty for a moment, I think we would all fall on our faces. His Word is clear that where 2 or 3 are gathered in His name, He is among us. That He is omnipresent. That there is no height too high or depth too low that He is not near. What a radical change that could bring to our worship if we let that take root. What a powerful moment with Him that can be.
And so…with these thoughts…I just worship.