Loss

One of the hard things for me about losing someone is fear that they will be forgotten. Not by me, but by others. Fear that people won’t remember significant days that I do. Fear that people will forget what today is, or avoided mentioning it in fear of causing pain. Today is the day Alex had the accident and left this world behind. The day I was sitting at my desk at work looking over at the clock having no clue that at that very moment he was about to crash. Not realizing that in less than an hour from that moment I would get several calls from family and when I finally had the courage to answer, I would be told the most awful news. The day that I felt the physical pain of a broken heart. The day I watched – like a through a looking glass – my family grasping for answers and healing. The day I wish had never happened.

I want my cheesecake & xbox loving goofy, lovable nephew back. I want him to have a second chance at life. I think sometimes about what he might have done if he had survived the crash… How it may have affected him. I think about the man he was to become and the life before him with all the possibilities. I think about the young man who was a typical teen that had insecurities and confidence, loved being with friends, loved to take a drive in his truck and feel on top of the world. Loved his family. Loved his mom, loved his dad, loved his sisters, loved his grandparents, loved his aunts & uncles & cousins. Loved much. And loved much in return.

Then I remember the downpour of rain on that chilly afternoon last year where countless teens gathered around the tent where Alex was being laid to rest as our cousin sang amazing grace. Where these teens stood silent in the pouring rain to say their goodbyes to my beautiful nephew. Most didn’t have umbrellas but it didn’t matter. They loved Alex. We did too. Still do. Always have, always will.

Funny how the weather matched our moods perfectly. Here’s a poem I wrote this morning:

An angry sky with heavy clouds
releasing a flood of tears
tears to cover the people below
as we all gather here
The Earth plays our song
Of brokenness and pain
Where arms may hug tightly
But they don’t remove the pain.
Weep with me willow tree
If but a moment I see the sun
Hope with me butterfly,
A newness has begun.
A memory is a melody
It gently strums my tears
A sonnet full of laughs and cries
Never forgotten through the years.

Heal us Lord each day. Help us to make the most of the life we’ve been given. We wake each new day with a second chance. Let us take that chance and change this world for the better. Let us honor the legacy of such an amazing person by living our lives in a way that it impacts others for the good. Let us not waste our lives – how selfish that would be. Life is not a party, it’s a journey and we are here to love others for You. Inspire us. Inspire my family. Inspire my beautiful nieces to live their lives radically for you. Inspire my parents to do so also. Inspire me to be part of how you are loving others and changing this world. Inspire us all. My sister, my husband, my son, everyone I know. Everyone that knew Alex. Inspire us to take this gift of life we have and use it in a powerful way to impact others.

Give us joy for the sorrow when we think of him too. For every heart wrenching thought, give us a memory of 5 wonderful moments to replace the pain.

In Christ,
Amy