So, I am at a ladies conference attempting to draw closer to God with around 90 ladies from my church via a simulcast of the If: Gathering conference and I receive a message that clearly indicates I have hurt someone deeply.
Immediately I feel defensive. My first reaction is to think: well I did nothing wrong. But then when I push past the defensive and choose to be honest with myself and try to understand my reaction, I realize that it is a result of the shame that I have failed someone.
I failed someone and I didn’t even realize their expectations of me. I failed someone that I do care about but didn’t really think that I was very important in their lives. I don’t know if that makes sense…but what I am saying is that I did not see myself as any importance in this person’s life. I had this assumption that this individual has people that were much more important to her than I am so I was shocked to receive the message. It was essentially a result of my not having invited her to the conference I was attending. Honestly, I hadn’t invited anyone other than my sister. I am ashamed to admit it, but I had made no effort to invite others to this amazing weekend. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own mess that I didn’t think of others. There are so many people that would have loved this weekend. The teachers were incredible – I feel like I have stood under a waterfall attempting to obtain a drink.
Right now, as I sit in my home office trying to decompress everything that is exploding in my head, journal, and spirit – I feel the need to confess my mess.
Hence the title: if I fail you.
Although…I think perhaps it should be when I fail you…because I will. Can I just pretend for a minute that the internet is a safe place. That this very public blog is a safe seat around my living room where I can whisper a confession of my heart?
I want to tell you that I’m a hot mess and do not have it all figured out. I feel led to warn you that if you are going to be in a relationship with me then be prepared for ten types of crazy. Maybe 20…whatever. Life is messy. I am messy. I am just a broken person living in this broken world trying to grab hold of a whole and holy God – Who I cannot for the life of me understand why, but loves me unfailingly. And you, if you choose to stay in my life in spite of my 42 types of crazy (yes I increased the #) then you are a glimpse of grace and hope that I’ve been given. You are a shimmer of kindness and a reminder that I am loved despite my failures. If I am your daughter, mother, wife, friend, sister, coworker, employee, neighbor – I will fail you. At some point I am not going to meet your expectations. The closer you are, the more you will see my mess and my flaws. But I hope that you stick around to know my true heart. The one that loves Jesus and His love. That loves His vision and His message and instruction even though it scares the crap out of me to follow. The heart that loves to love, laugh, and write. And coffee. And Mexican food… And anything with cream cheese and avocados…
The point is that I will fail you. I will fail God. You will fail at times, too.
Can I just tell us that it’s okay? That we have permission to be human. But you don’t need my permission. Just be you. All of you. All 17 of your types of crazy are welcome here. And so, so much better – you are not only welcome with God – but you are already His. He knows every ounce of your being and loves you deeper than your mind can even imagine. All of you. (Ps 139). Have you proclaimed Him as Lord over your life? Do you believe that He is real? If you believe that He is real, then you believe His Word. And His Word says that He gave His son Jesus Christ as a ransom for your debts – you are forgiven – not by anything you have done to earn it – but you are forgiven simply for seeking His forgiveness. For accepting that He died an agonizing death on a cross so that you could be saved. Confess your mess and give it to Him. I’d love to talk to you more if you are near Him, or far from Him, or even just considering Him…
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my confession. If you need to “talk” you can reach me here via comments. If you’d like to message offline leave a comment with your email and I will email you directly.
Don’t walk in your failures alone and don’t expect perfection. You are imperfectly human, and you are perfectly loved.
In Christ, Amy